God sees each of us as precious and unique individuals, so no one journey will be exactly the same as another. As I look back on thirty years as a committed believer, I can now see more clearly the subtle ways in which the Lord has touched my life and led me closer and closer to the ultimate perfection we are promised. I hasten to add that I cannot recognise in me much of this perfection at present, but we have to stand on God’s promises for everything that we hope for, and trust that it is happening and will happen.
When I was a new Christian I was completely blown over by the change it made in my life. So many things that had just been words and ideas suddenly became real. The world was in heightened colour and I had for the first time a real purpose in my life. For quite a long period I lived for signs, wonders, divine encounters, miracles. When I look back now or read old diaries I wonder how much of it all was imagination.
I was fortunate to be living in the Middle East at the time, a society where belief in God is normal and dreams and visions relatively commonplace. There was very little to do outside of work – with limited access to films and books or any of the often pointless activities which fill our time nowadays. My main social life was with other evangelical Christians and my local friends, also mainly Christians. Actually, I was afraid to move too far from Christians, as I knew myself to be a person who naturally flits from one thing to another. (I still do as far as worldly interests are concerned). As I had dropped most other things I had begun, I wasn’t sure how long I would be able to keep this new way of life up.
I think that what kept me going for the first ten years was my almost addictive enthusiasm for the Bible. I now believe strongly that to follow Jesus one must know something of the mind of God. King Solomon wrote, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” (Proverbs 1 :7). One so often finds oneself in situations where there may not be a specific Bible passage to lead one in the right path, and in this case spiritual discernment is necessary. The Lord gave me the time at a crucial stage in my Christian path to prayerfully study the Scripture on a daily basis without the pressure of time that we all feel now. I put the emphasis on “prayerfully”, as we are dealing with a holy God who must be approached with reverence. God also sent me many people, some of whom I have almost forgotten, to keep me on the right path and strengthen my weak faith. I particularly thank Him for the Indians, Ethiopians and, yes, Americans, in an expatriate environment where the British Christians were few and far between. For example, an Armenian Christian said to me once, “Have you heard about being crucified with Christ?” I said that I had, but didn’t really understand it, so she gave me a photocopy from a book by Watchman Nee, who was an inspiration for me for many years afterwards. (It is still a difficult concept, I feel).
However, now I look back over the years I see that at that early stage I was, in the words of our pastor Jim, a bit of a Christian consumer. One could see it as a way of filling my time in an exciting and social way. I did my best to help people and do “good works”, but Jesus was more God than Man to me, and I cannot remember the churches I attended stressing anything other than getting people converted by convincing them to “commit their lives to Jesus”. I started to rethink this long before coming to Bristo, as my reading of the Bible suggested to me that there was something wrong in the teaching we were receiving. As a rather intellectual person, one of the things that God showed me over this time was that the Holy Spirit can lead any of us to the truth through the Word. Natural intellect is not the point here – rather it is the childlike approach and the worshipful openness of the seeker.
Only since retiring have I really understood that God wants to mould us into people who model the life of Jesus, so that we express the Father’s character and purpose. As the prophet Micah said, “What does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6: 8). I probably missed this earlier because it was always my inclination in my old worldly life to fight for justice and help the poor, but in a political and abstract rather than “hands-on” way. As I get older, however, and have access to fewer people, I struggle with this, especially when our pastor keeps telling us that being a Christian is all about relationships. Relationships are very hard to establish in our post-modern post-Christian society, especially for a natural loner like myself who spent much of my life abroad.
I must admit that the early excitement and freshness has never really. returned, but I am much more rooted now in my faith and certain of the presence of God in my life. I believe that at all stages the Lord meets us where we are, and provides all we need according to the level of our vulnerability. When I was a young Christian he shook me up considerably because my defences needed to be broken down. He gave me many gifts such as answers to prayer, divine appointments and amazing Christians at every early step. He allowed me a long breathing space before seriously testing me. Now, after many subsequent twists and turns, I know that all I have is the Lord, and without him I would be utterly lost. I have a feeling in my bones, as it were, that he is there. I know that he is constantly with me and that if this were not so, there would be no purpose in life for me.
I believe strongly that there can be no happiness for a follower of Jesus – we only have to look around us to see the present condition of a world that God created and at its creation proclaimed to be good. We would be completely hard-hearted if we blocked out the decay and suffering around us. There are very few references to happiness in the Bible (but cf. Ecclesiastes 2: 26), and no one has a right to it. However, “joy in the Lord” should be always with us, and I think I can say that from the day I first encountered Jesus I have experienced a deep contentment that I could never have received otherwise, and certainly did not receive from anything available in the world.
Gill Schärer
