When I told my first Christian friend, Jo, that I wanted to know more about God, I never thought that it would change my whole life thereafter.
I joined her Bible study group. The first passage we read was Genesis. A story of how people became separated from God because of sin. That made sense, for I knew that no one is holy. But then it talked about love. What is that? I had no idea. I have never been taught what love is. I left home at the age of 14 to study in a key school, where I was isolated because I was not a good student. I was also not so attached to my family; on the contrary, I was tired mediating between my parents after their divorce. Relationships were pointless, and they never lasted. I rejected those who cared about me, refusing to have close relationships with people. I didn’t want to love or be loved. Keeping a distance with people made me feel safe. Someone once said to me, “when people walk by you, they could feel some force pushing them away”.
I believed that to love would equate with sorrow, until one day I had severe depression. If you have seen anyone suffering depression, you’ll know what kind of life I had at that time. Oh I am phrasing it wrongly: it shouldn’t be called LIFE, it was more like surviving. Convinced that I was a failure and no one in this world loved me, I found my life worthless. Feeling completely lost and abandoned by the whole world, I couldn’t find a reason to live. My teachers and classmates worried about me, but no one could do anything, even the therapist I went to see. He could only give me medicines and talk to me. By then I had studied the Bible for some time, but didn’t know that I could turn to God. I liked the words in the Bible, but this God was just so against my knowledge. Somehow, during that time I was not interested in anything at all, but the Bible was still attracting me. It was the only thing that could make me feel calm.
When Jo heard of my situation, she wrote to me asking what had happened. I thought that was just “British politeness”. But when I told her how I felt about life, she replied very patiently. She encouraged me that whether rich or poor, successful or not, I am valuable and special in God’s eyes. She explained that it is in knowing God’s love and knowing she’s living for Him, that gives her meaning, purpose and hope. That’s really a strange way to comfort people, but it did help me. For the first time in my life I had a desire to be loved. Although I couldn’t see or feel God’s love, I felt the love flowing from her. I realized that love is something wonderful, it soothes, comforts, and brings hope. Why is her life so different? Is it because of the God she believes in? Can He make my life like hers?
I tried to pray to God, not knowing if He actually exists. But every time I prayed to Him, I felt a great peace deep in my heart. When I had an illness or problems I asked Him to help me, and amazingly He answered my every prayer. He did help me. I couldn’t see Him with my eyes, but I did see Him and felt His love with my heart. He is real. He cares about me; He takes away my worries and solves the problems I had. He’s the one that I’ve been looking for all those years. I decided to accept Him as the Lord of my life.
It was a hard decision for me and I have struggled for some time, but it has proved to be a correct decision. Once I asked God to enter my life, I received so much peace and joy from Him. His love filled a hole in my heart and made me alive. The questions I had about meaning of life stopped haunting my mind. I’m not saying that God told me the answer directly, but that they are no longer questions for me: I am now complete. And what is more wonderful, His love brings not only satisfaction to my heart, but also changes to my life. He breaks the walls around my heart and melts my apathy. I became more gentle, kind and joyful. I was afraid to love others because of the fear of getting hurt, but now to love is not as frightening. I am willing to love others because God loves me first. I am willing to forgive those who hurt me because God forgives me, a sinner. He taught me how to love by showing me what true love is. When I look back, I know that He made me new. His unchanging love is still changing me.
So today here I stand, giving thanks to Him for finding me and accepting me as His child; for accompanying me through ups and downs in my life. I know that there are still rough patches and dark times in my life ahead, but He will never leave me. His endless love, grace and mercy will be with me all the way. Finally, this might be a weird way to put it, but I want to say that God loves me, and I’ll love Him back. I will follow Him all the days of my life, live for Him and glorify His name.I’d like to end this testimony with one of my favourite verses: Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!
Cao Yuan (Cheryl)
